The Sorting Hat's Revenge
by Dusk Dreaming
Summary: What does the Hat really think of Hogwarts students? Coarse language. Just for fun.


**The Sorting Hat's Revenge**

_A thousand years I've reigned supreme_

_A giant among hats_

_I've Sorted year by weary year_

_Uncounted eldritch brats_

_...  
><em>

_The bondage of my singing role_

_Fills me with fear and loathing_

_What nitwit would entrust a school_

_To articles of clothing?_

_...  
><em>

_To Sort, or not to Sort, I find_

_Has always been the question_

_To think some student's life might fail_

_Due to a poor selection!_

_...  
><em>

_If I had shoulders, they would sag_

_Beneath this heavy duty_

_The only thing that keeps me pert_

_Is Sorting some young beauty_

_...  
><em>

_Which brand of shampoo do you use?_

_I bet it is Pantene_

_Your lack of split and faded ends_

_Has made me rather keen_

_...  
><em>

_But now as I express my thoughts,_

_Pray listen well, my friends_

_The life of this sad Sorting Hat_

_Seems like it never ends._

_...  
><em>

_So now I will reveal to you_

_The criteria I use_

_When which great House to put you in_

_It falls on me to choose_

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><em>

_Are you a smug, self-righteous prick?_

_A true attention whore?_

_Why then, perhaps you'll get a kick_

_Out of good Gryffindor._

_...  
><em>

_True Gryffindors know that they're_

_The centre of attention_

_The other Houses (they believe)_

_Hardly deserve a mention._

_...  
><em>

_These raging lions know that they're_

_The stars of every class_

_The other Houses (they opine)_

_Can kindly kiss their ass_

_...  
><em>

_For who would be in Ravenclaw?_

_Those nerdy, four-eyed geeks_

_Are even worse than Slytherin,_

_A bunch of snobs and freaks._

_...  
><em>

_And as for Hufflepuff, they're nice,_

_But that's all you can say,_

_For when it comes right down to it,_

_They're really kind of gay._

_...  
><em>

_No, you were born so special_

_That you're meant for Gryffindor,_

_The other Houses tremble_

_When they hear your mighty roar!_

_...  
><em>

_Who needs ambition or hard work,_

_Who needs a sharp, quick wit?_

_For when you are a Gryffindor,_

_You just don't give a shit_

_...  
><em>

_You know that you're the best in show_

_You know you're born to rule_

_The Lion is the king of beasts_

_And you reign in this school_

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><em>

_Unless you're selfish, mean and sly_

_Doing anything to win_

_Why, then your future just might lie_

_In good old Slytherin_

_...  
><em>

_These try-hards think they'll conquer_

_And bring nations to their knees_

_(The other Houses think they are_

_A bunch of wannabes)_

_...  
><em>

_This noble, ancient, famous House_

_Is unlike all the others_

_To get their hands on what they want_

_They'd gladly stab their mothers_

_...  
><em>

_You hasten to assure us_

_That your blood is nice and pure_

_One cannot help but wonder_

_Why you feel so insecure_

_...  
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_To take pride in your ancestry_

_Must be a consolation_

_When you have nothing else of worth_

_Except this sad fixation_

_...  
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_It's lucky that your ancestors_

_Were noble, good and great_

_Because their descendants won't_

_Achieve one thing at this rate_

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><em>

_Honour, wisdom, glory, fame_

_Your forebears were quite full of it_

_It's just a shame that you yourselves_

_Are mostly full of shit_

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><em>

_No need for courage, brains or toil  
><em>

_No need for loyalty_

_For as a Slytherin, you know_

_You're ancient royalty_

_...  
><em>

_You dress yourself in gothic black_

_Your make-up looks a fright_

_It's well known that you cut yourselves_

_And cry in bed at night_

_...  
><em>

_Or perhaps in geeky Ravenclaw_

_Is where you're meant to be_

_You'll find new friends who all adore_

_Campaigns of DnD._

_...  
><em>

_You've memorised the syllabus_

_You love puns and big words_

_Too bad the other Houses think_

_You're all sad, hopeless nerds_

_...  
><em>

_You get top marks in every class_

_You're sharper than a knife_

_It almost makes up for the fact_

_That you don't have a life_

_...  
><em>

_Your brand of humour oft relies_

_On knowledge of Pythagoras_

_Attending cons, you cosplay as_

_Hermione and Legolas_

_...  
><em>

_Your grades are never less than A_

_Your teachers think you're great_

_And one of these days you might even_

_Go out on a date_

_..  
><em>

_You're brilliant at games of chess_

_You always win the war_

_Your hair and clothes were all the rage_

_In nineteen sixty four_

_...  
><em>

_Not for you the brutish sport_

_Of Quidditch, brooms all zooming_

_That's for the stupid masses_

_Much like hygiene and good grooming_

_...  
><em>

_And as for bravery or spite_

_Or hard work, well, who needs 'em?_

_When you can quote all Shakespeare's works_

_And prove Fermat's Last Theorem_

_...  
><em>

_And now we come to least and last_

_(This may sound kind of rough)_

_But you know that you've been outclassed_

_When you're a Hufflepuff_

_...  
><em>

_The founder of your noble House_

_Was so sweet and kind-hearted_

_She agreed to take on students_

_Who were basically retarded_

_...  
><em>

_You have no personality_

_You haven't got a clue_

_As past exam results attest_

_You drop the school's IQ_

_...  
><em>

_You have no special skills or traits_

_But fondness for hard work_

_And you'll work hard all through your life_

_For you're a hopeless berk_

_...  
><em>

_You may be loyal to your friends_

_You may be firm and true_

_The only problem? No one wants_

_To be good friends with you._

_...  
><em>

_They may borrow your lecture notes_

_They may smile back and wave_

_They may just let you hang around_

_If you will be their slave_

_...  
><em>

_You're just about as popular_

_As bowls of Dungbomb stew_

_And just about as beautiful_

_And just as useful, too_

_...  
><em>

_To anyone with half a brain_

_Your future's plain to see_

_You'll surely have a career in_

_The service industry_

_...  
><em>

_We cannot all be Aurors bold_

_Or lawyers, teachers, pollies_

_For some of us must sweep the streets_

_And gather shopping trolleys_

_...  
><em>

_And there you have the Houses four_

_In all their shining glory_

_And now with some regret I find_

_I must conclude this story_

_...  
><em>

_Take care, farewell, auf wiedersehen_

_For that, it seems, is that_

_I may be petty, cruel and mean_

_But I'm the Sorting Hat!_


End file.
